Jungle Ever After
by Inudaughter Returns
Summary: What if Arnold and Helga got left behind in the jungle after the Jungle Movie? Helga and Arnold become desperadoes in an M-rated humor piece. Rated-M only.


**A purely ridiculous story. AND socially irresponsible. Rated-M only.**

* * *

 **A Wild Wedding: An Alternative Jungle Movie Story Ending**

La Sombra was dead. He lay near the bottom of the cliff, twisted like a pretzel, the statue he had died for in his hands. A villager extracted the stone statue from his grip and it blinked with a supernatural green light. The stone was carefully wrapped and whisked away. Then one of the Green-Eyed people whom had pulled Helga and Arnold from their precarious perch atop the cliff La Sombra had bounced down, bowed at Arnold's feet. Then he gestured for Arnold to follow him.

"Hm, okay!" said Arnold. He had not taken three steps when his eyes narrowed. Some of the villagers were trying to block Helga from him so she could not follow, After this adventure, Arnold was not going to lose the girl he cared for- or a friend- so he shoved the Green-Eyes blocking Helga's path with his hands. Suddenly frightened, the Green-Eyes scampered away to stand at a cautious distance.

"Hey!" Arnold said, lowering his eyes and glaring at them as Helga stood behind his protective stance, her fingertips touching Arnold's shoulder with a light, graceful touch. "Nobody separates my friend from me!"

The villagers could not tell what Arnold was saying. But they gathered his meaning from his anger. After much bowing and soft-spoken pleas, the man whom had been leading Arnold onward tried again. He waved his hand towards some far off place- a destination they did not know. But Helga and Arnold were truly alone and lost in this jungle. So they followed.

"Wow, Arnold!" Helga clutched the shirt on her chest with astonishment. The sight ahead so amazed her that her knees buckled half-way beneath her. "Why have the village lead us all the way out here? And why is there a giant statue of you with an altar under it? It's fabulously creepy!"

Helga looked ahead. She studied the towering statue that looked exactly like Arnold- only a little more abstract. Then her eyes lowered to a curious platform before the statue. An enormous stone chair, the size of a throne, was flanked on either side by flowers, ceramic jars, baskets, boxes, and fancy animals pelts. Growing curious and a tiny bit greedy, Helga popped open a broad wooden chest beside the throne to find it did not contain gems, but rather jewelry made from bones, carved wood, shells, and feathers. She picked up a long beaded necklace and looked at it with curiosity before handing it to Arnold.

"I dunno," Arnold shrugged before returning the trinket to its box. "But I'm tired from all this hiking. I need to sit." Arnold plopped himself down to rest in the vast throne made from carved stone. It was so big, his hand curled up only one of the sides. He could not lean all the way over to the second arm rest.

Slouched forward as she continued to stare at the curious sight, Helga stood off to one side. Her eyes bulged as she spotted dozens of their captors and saviors- the Green-Eyed people- with their faces bowed to the ground.

"Wow, I always knew you were a god... Of some sorts, anyway, Arnoldo!" Helga mused. "Try to use our influence to get them to be nice to us or something."

"I don't think I have to," said Arnold. A number of women with flowers in their hair, and all wearing brown, short-length and sleeveless ceremonial gowns, arrived from the village with large wooden troughs full of food. Knelt, they held the giant platters of food within Arnold's reach.

"Oh, thank you!" Arnold said taking a banana- one of the few foods he recognized- from one of the platters. He peeled it to take a nibble.

"Hey, I'm hungry, too!" Helga protested. She hopped up onto the stone chair next to Arnold since there was plenty of room. With appropriate kindness, Arnold selected a tender, juicy, pear-shaped fruit to give to Helga to eat.

"Thanks," Helga said before beginning to munch. She wiped a bit of dribble from her chin. "Well, we may have been separated from the others, but at least we escaped La Sombra. And he was defeated! So now when we find them again, we can tell your parents and our friends that they're safe. The bad guys gone!"

"Yeah, it's hard to believe!" said Arnold pausing his bites long enough to speak. "That was really scary!"

"It was. But we're fine now! And we came out on top!" Helga said enthused. "And now we can go back to Hillwood. Maybe. Or maybe we're stuck living with these jungle people for the rest of eternity."

Helga jolted as she realized her own words might be true. None of the Green-Eyed people spoke a word of English so it was impossible for them to tell them to take them to their friends. It was impossible to tell them to take them to another city, either, one that might have telephones or even normal post. Arnold and Helga looked at one another in dismay.

"I'm sure we'll be fine," Arnold muttered. He took another fruit to eat and handed one to Helga.

"Right," she said swinging her toes. She rested her hands on the armrest opposite to the one Arnold was using.

As they both thought, wondering what would become of them, even more villagers arrived, carrying with them drums, flutes, and whistles. These newcomers broke out into lively, celebratory tune. Arnold tapped his toes along with their song. He smiled. Then he covered his hand with a yawn.

"Oh, I'd like to lie down for a nap." He pillowed his head on his arm to make himself more comfortable. The music being played then ceased being celebratory. It became a quiet, soothing background instead. Arnold rubbed his eyes as he forced himself awake. The leader of the Green-Eyes was here again, beseeching them to follow.

Arnold and Helga both hopped off the stone chair. Helga grasped hold of Arnold's arm out of familiarity and fear of the unknown, and together they walked into the village of the Green-Eyes. There were many simple huts there and several large ones. They approached the very largest of these homes were shown inside.

"I think he's trying to tell us we can stay here," said Arnold with some happiness. All that had happened had tired him.

"Until they murder us our sleep!" Helga uttered, her hair practically standing up on end. Being lost in the jungle with a bunch of strangers did not sit well with her.

"Oh, Helga, they saved us! I don't think they mean us any harm! I can't say they didn't toward La Sombra," Arnold reflected gravely. The Green-Eyes had practically bounced La Sombra to his death away from Arnold and Helga. But the man had ultimately chosen his own death when he had refused to release the statue for a better grip on the cliffside.

Silent, Helga shook out a blanket and studied it before wrapping it around herself. She sat down on one of the beds and Arnold sat down on another. He tucked himself in. But the moment he shut his eyes he felt a wiggle in the bed. Helga had followed him into it. She sat at his feet much like a puppy would, looking wide-eyed.

"I'm not going away, Arnoldo, so forget it!" she snapped, moody. Arnold gave a soft sigh.

"Fine. Suit yourself. I won't ask you to move." Arnold hide a small smile as Helga snuggled down at the other end of the bed, flipped reverse of him so that their legs brushed and their head were at different ends of the bed.

Despite his fears and longing to be with his parents, Arnold drifted off to sleep. When he woke next, the sunlight was filtering down over him. He got up to watch Helga's sleeping face. It was beautiful like a watercolor painting.

Arnold got up. Helga awoke moments after and together they both ate breakfast. Led by one villager, then another, they toured the village with its waterfalls, shrines, statues, fields, fisheries, and huts. There were more statues like Arnold, but they were smaller than the first. For a long time, Helga and Arnold saw no kids their own age. But then, as they reached a plaza with a freshwater wellspring at its center, all of a sudden Arnold was surrounded by a gaggle of curious girls, all slightly younger or older than himself. One of them boldly laced her arm with his and gave Arnold a long, bold blink of her lashes. With four cute girls surrounding Arnold and two worshipping near his feet, Helga ground her teeth together so hard she might have lost centimeters.

"Alright, back off, chicks!" Helga growled. She made a fist. "Like I'm going to lose Arnold to a bunch of jungle-floozies!"

"Ah, Helga, there's no need to get violent!" Arnold plead, although he was nearly as nervous about the girls clinging to him as Helga.

"Oh, this is exactly the right time to get violent about it! Close your eyes, Arnold!" Helga snapped. Afraid of what he was about to see, Arnold closed his eyes. When he opened them again, he saw the girls had scattered to the far end of the plaza, the one who looked the most like Lila sporting two black eyes.

"Humph! And don't touch MY Arnold again, ya hear!" Helga shook her fist.

"Helga, that was entirely unnecessary," Arnold voiced. But he didn't stay angry for long. Instead, he sat down on a bench near the village water source. Helga hopped up onto his lap and curled across him, her feet dangling to one side and her arms looped around Arnold's neck. She stuck her tongue out at the competing girls and blew a sound of, "pfffft!" at them.

Helga sat on Arnold's lap to ensure no other girl dared to approach him again. When Arnold got up, she pointedly held his hand. As Helga squeezed their fingers together, she breathed out a little sigh of relief.

"Ah, this is paradise," she said. Arnold swiveled his head towards her, uncomprehending.

The two explored until one of the villagers came to guide them back for lunch. Another ornate feast awaited them so they ate, picking through for anything that seemed most like their usual food, but there was nothing that resembled cheeseburger and fries. After lunch, Helga climbed a tree and peered out over the glade from her perch. From the jungle mountainside she could only see more jungle mountains, some of them surrounded in mist. They were truly lost, and out in the jungle alone they could never survive. They could only wait eagerly for their friends or Arnold's parents or even Mr. Simmons to collect them. But by nightfall no one had come.

"Well, I'm sure they'll come tomorrow!" Arnold said with grave disappointment in his voice. He stared down at the earth, downcast. As if to cheer them up, children even younger than themselves approached with gifts for Arnold and Helga. The offerings were necklaces with beads so long and angular they clacked together as they shifted on their long strands. To be polite, Arnold and Helga stooped their necks to accept them. When they saw the village leader next, they followed him back to the stone statue to eat their dinner meal by a carnelian-red campfire, many villagers seated all around them.

The sun rose. The sun set. Arnold and Helga fret, and yet no one from modern civilization came to find them. They were truly alone in the jungle with the Green-Eyed people.

"Helga," Arnold fretted as they lay at opposite ends of the bed. A small hole in the roof let in a slip of moonlight so that he could see her barely. "What if… what if?"

"What if we never leave this place?" Wide-eyed, Helga finished the sentence for him. "Then… I…."

"At least I'm with you," Arnold finished for her. Helga's eyes opened wider and she sat up. She slipped her hand into Arnold's.

"You really meant?" she asked with earnest. Arnold knew what she was talking about immediately.

"Yes!" Arnold spoke up a little louder and more fiercely than his last words. He squeezed the palm of Helga's hand with his fingers. "I meant what I said back there… in the temple. The only one I want to try love with… is you Helga!"

"Oh!" Helga gaped as if it was really the first time she had heard this from Arnold. She still could not believe it. But then she gave a thirsty snort and shifted forward in the bed, her lips questing for Arnold's. In the dark of the hut, shoulders illuminated by the blue flare of the moon, Helga moved slowly like a ripple in water. Her hair awash in moonlight so that certain strands seemed to glow, Helga replicated the kiss they had shared in the temple. Arnold leant fully into the kiss, taking Helga's shoulders into his hands to nudge her nearer. As Helga froze in pleasant surprise, he moved one of his hands in soothing circles across the back of her shoulder and up her neck. At last he rested his hand on Helga's cheek to stare into her cerulean eyes. A rare, true, pure smile was present on Helga's face- as evanescent as the moonlight.

They clung to one another, carefully. But they were not prepared to move into more intimate things yet. Instead they waited for Arnold's parents- or anyone- to come and free them from the jungle for the modern world.

But the events of the next day pulled them free from their wait to focus on other problems. They say down to another meal at the feet of Arnold's statue and Helga was horrified to see that villagers had made her a whole set of skimpy clothes.

"Hey! I can't wear this!" Helga protested. She pulled on the high collar of the shirt she chose to wear under dress for modesty's sake. She had a long-held dislike for anyone seeing her neck, much less her bust area.

"It makes sense, Helga," Arnold said. "It's hot! Look, the villagers made me an outfit, too!"

"A feathered cape?!" Helga sniffed. "What are you supposed to be a superhero or something?"

"No. But I get the sense they think we're special. I hope it continues that way. Hm, maybe we can make a living being farmers?"

'Well whoopee! Just give me one of those big 'ol sticks now and I'll break the clods. I should have stayed in school, huh?"

"It's not like we've dropped out on purpose!" Arnold griped, in his own way. "I'm sure we'll catch up on everything we've missed quickly. Only I hope the others find us, soon." The two looked at one another, wistful of the address they had lost. If only they both might sit on Arnold's stoop again! But their hopes began to wane over time.

"It's been four months!" Helga griped for the millionth time. "I even miss school. Or books."

"Yes. But I think that… I understand what the Green-Eyed people are saying.. A bit." Arnold scratched his head to get it thinking faster.

"Really?" Helga said. She thought back on it. There were times she seemed to anticipate the words the Green-Eyes were using, too.

"Look, while we're here, maybe we should really try harder to learn the language. Especially if…"

"We're stuck here for the rest our lives?" Helga sniffed. She waved her hands up in the air. "Alright, Arnoldo. We'll do as you say. I only wish we could get a vacation from this vacation."

It was agreed. The two began to mimic the words of the Green-Eyes. With much pointing, they began to discern the objects around them- water, bowl, grass, tree, bird, meal- around them until they could have fragments of conversation with their ever present watchers. It was plain to Arnold and Helga that there was always at least four villagers within earshot at all times, as if they were an appointed guard.

"Helga," Arnold said after an attempt to converse with one of their watchers. "I think there is some sort of festival today."

"Can we go?" Helga asked, almost eager. She was getting bored without any schoolwork to do. She even envied the villagers working in the terraced fields for having something to do. But their watchers would not let her or Arnold so much as carry a water bucket. They did all menial tasks for them.

"Well, they might let us come. I think that's why they told me. They were inviting us."

"Oh," was Helga's reply. She kept her arms folded out of uncertainty as she considered the thought.

Helga and Arnold woke to the sound of drumbeats the next day. Arnold rubbed the sleep away from his eyes as he sat up and squinted at the door. It was only the crack of dawn, but people were there outside the door making a racket. So he pulled back the curtain door to see outside.

"What?!" Arnold asked with a jolt. Someone had parked a carriage outside his door, the wheels of this carriage being men of the village instead of wheels.

"Helga?" Arnold uttered. "You'd better get out here and see!"

"Wah?!" asked Helga, herself stirring. Groggy, she staggered over to the door to peer over Arnold's shoulder.

"Huh?! What's going on here?!" she sputtered.

"The village leader is here," Arnold observed. "Should we get on?"

"Actually, I feel it would be safer to run away. But since we don't have much choice, let's do it." Arnold propped one foot up against the carriage and used one hand to help Helga steady herself as she pulled herself up onto the carriage. In truth, she didn't need the help. But she was hesitant to rebuff Arnold now, when they were among so many watchful eyes. They always so prying and judgmental of her and she did not want to be separated from Arnold.

Sensing Helga's tension, Arnold wrapped one arm around her back as they rode down the village street. His mouth split into a wild grin when he spotted the very youngest villagers dancing. A little girl ran and fell with a splat onto the ground. She sniffled before getting up to run again. She wove in and out between older siblings.

"Look!" Helga pointed. "Kids our age!" She peered out of carriage with eagerness. Maybe they would be able to join them?

But Arnold and Helga were escorted past all the group to their throne made of stone where they were deposited with ceremony. Helga rolled her eyes. It seemed to be a village meal like any other except when the kids went away, drinks were poured. Helga was given a clay cup full of strange, green bubbling, potion, too, but she wrinkled her nose at it. It didn't seem like anything she might want to drink. The participants in this particular festival then began to act very odd. The chieftain spoke for a long time. Then there was dances and more drink. And songs and more drink.

"Oh, my gosh! Are those people over there doing what I think they are doing?!" Helga covered one eye but kept the other open.

"Ohh, haha-ha!" Arnold laughed with sudden glee.

"Ah, you drank it!" Helga growled.

"Here, Helga, you drink it, too," Arnold said sloshing his cup.

"Tsk, Arnold get a hold of yourself!" Helga snapped. "Oooh, wow those two are really going at it! And those guys over there, too! Nasty."

"Nasty how?" asked Arnold completely innocent.

"Never mind, Arnold," said Helga covering his eyes for him. "Never mind."

That was how the festival went that year, then the next year, then the next until Arnold and Helga were teens. The sight of other adults making sex in front of them no longer disturbed them, for they had been among the jungle people for seven years.

"Wow, and the irony of your life, Arnold is that a football-shaped head makes you a fertility god," Helga said slouched over and bored as they watched yet another fertility festival. This year, they had walked around all of the fields saying words of blessings for the crops. Now people had their minds set on procreation. Arnold drum rolled his fingers.

"Ironic. Right," the boy said, for beside kisses he had not touched Helga.

The festival concluded as it usually did, with one last song and one last drink poured around the campfire. Then Arnold and Helga were allowed to return to their hut.

"Um, Helga?" Arnold said, kicking his feet out as he examined the stars through the window. "What if next year.. We participated?" Helga sucked in a deep breath.

"You mean… THAT together?"

"Well, yeah," Arnold shrugged.

"Arnold, you know out here in the jungle there aren't condoms. If we did…."

"I know," said Arnold speaking frankly on their future for the first time in a long time. "But we've been waiting for my parents for years. They haven't. No one has. They probably assume we're dead. And in a way we are. This is our life now, Helga."

"Arnold, do you know what you're asking?" Helga wend her fingers into his. "We'd be starting a family. A little life in me, right here!" Helga ghosted her fingers above her abdomen. She bit of her lip. "The thought of that both exhilarates and scares me."

"Well, we can think about it till next year," Arnold said hurriedly. He lay back against the bed as if to rest. He snuffed out a little lantern by his bed. But he was surprised to find a weight suddenly sat on him.

"Who says we need to wait till next year?" Helga said with glittering eyes. Her long fingers teased his hair.

"Ah, we'll talk about this in the morning!" Arnold flustered. "Goodnight, Helga."

"Humph!" Helga sniffed. But she snuggled herself up in the crook of Arnold's arm and he wrapped one arm around her so she forgave him.

It was a beautiful morning after. But it was an even more beautiful day to swim and so Helga bundled up some things to wash with down by the river. She wore sandals now instead of sneakers, and with them trod spiritedly down to where she might wash. But she and Arnold were inseparable even at times such as these. While Helga bathed, he sat on the banks close by so that he might speak to her to reassure her she would not lose her one last link to Hillwood.

"Ohh, I dropped my soap," Helga fussed as her soap substitute fell into the pond out her grasp. She frowned sourly, knowing from experience it would be impossible to retrieve. So she spread the goop in her hair out instead, then dove down to rinse.

"Helga?" Arnold murmured out, startling her. "Stay there. I'll bring more soap to you."

"Arnold?!" Helga muttered out. She tensed in shock as Arnold slogged through the reeds and water separating the two of them, his supply of soap in hand. Then he began to slather the soap over her.

"Oooh! Arnold!" Helga squeaked. She felt something rub against her thigh. But when she turned and pressed against Arnold, fear flickered deep in Arnold's eyes.

"You went limp?" Helga asked with more raw astonishment. "Now?!"

"Well. I am a little young. To be a parent, you know."

"Wimp!" Helga sputtered out slapping the surface of the water with her hand. "Fine then! I'm outta here! Go soap yourself!" Helga flickered a rude finger in Arnold's direction. He sunk down so that the tip of his nose was buried in water as he sulked miserably.

"Helga?" Arnold whimpered as they ate their afternoon meal together. "Please forgive me? Please? We can try again!"

"Sure," Helga relented rolling her eyes.

But the next year came and without better results. The festival came again with Helga slouched against the throne, her eyebrows lowered angrily and her arms folded against her very busty chest. "Humph!" she muttered as all the girls of village got some. Except her.

"I'm really, really sorry Helga!" Arnold whimpered to his angry girlfriend. "I just get so nervous all the time! If only we had condoms, I'd feel a little better about all this!"

"Humph!" Helga said punching her fist down on the stone chair they both sat draped on. "To find THOSE we'd have to leave this place! We might DIE! But, since you're such a wimp, it might be worth the effort. How about we commandeer a boat and head downstream!"

"Anything you say, Helga!" Arnold blinked endearingly at his girlfriend, relief in his very pores.

So began Arnold and Helga's next adventure. They loaded up a boat and rowed it down some perilous rapids. After dodging crocodiles and boulders, they rowed into shore before their craft could be swallowed up by a waterfall.

"This way looks promising, Helga!" Arnold said, removing a stone-head machete from his backpack. He began to hack through the brush.

"Ah-ha!" Helga said after a few hours of travel. "A village! Let's go down there and see if they have a field hospital or somethin'!"

The two went onwards. There was no hospital, only a single shop. Inside it, there was one tiny box of condoms. "Uh-oh!" Helga gulped. "We don't have any money!"

"Can we barter?!" Arnold grit his teeth. Helga got down on her knees and pantomimed begging. Then she got up.

"Oh, forget it! Run, Arnold!"

"Wah?!" Arnold gasped as Helga broke out into a full length run into the forest. Her theft was followed by some angry shouts and yells.

"I can't believe you just did that," Arnold groused.

"Ah, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. Let's go home," Helga said holding up the box.

"Oh, yes!" Helga said a few hours later as she and Arnold panted at their hut. "THAT was definitely worth it."

"Sorry to keep you waiting, Helga," Arnold said.

"Ah, shut up and give me a smooch," Helga said drawing her boyfriend down for a kiss.

Arnold and Helga went on a romantic spree. It was not long before the box they had stolen was completely empty.

"Oh no!" Helga said shaking the empty box upside down before she tossed it way. "Well, gotta go get another, I guess."

"Helga, we can't possibly go back to the first village. We'll get caught! Maybe we should just try to get back to Hillwood…"

"No way!" Helga sputtered. "Do you realize how many years of school we've missed? As smart as you are, it'd be impossible for us even to get a G.E.D. We'd wind up scrubbing toilets for life. But here, we are GODS!" Helga spouted as she postured with pride.

"Right," Arnold said rolling his eyes. "Well, maybe if we walk a long way we can find a city of some kind."

"Good idea," said Arnold.

So the two made their way out of the jungle again. This time, they made it all the way to long lines of telephone poles which they followed all the way to a small but modern city. It even had a tiny hospital.

"Ooooh!" Helga admired it, her eyes gleaming. "Let's go down there!" So they walked down into the hospital. Someone found and English translator.

"Condoms?" Helga said. She grinned, very pleased when a nurse placed a small box of them in her hand. But another woman stood nearby with a clipboard.

"Health insurance? Credit card? Gulp, Arnold what do we do?" Helga muttered.

"Hey, illegal immigrant!" a man in a military cap shouted out. So Arnold and Helga both leapt through a window. They landed in the shrubbery, then fled.

"Ah, snazzle-frazzle," Helga griped, making up her newest alternative to a swear. "Now we're wanted fugitives here, too!"

"Move, move, move!" Arnold yelled, pulling Helga to her feet. They dashed away to disappear beneath the undergrowth, never to be found again by their pursuers.

"At least we've got the box!" Helga beamed holding up her prize. She fluttered her lashes at Arnold.

"Yeah!" Arnold said giving Helga a not so innocent grin.

After a whole lot more love-making the two were out of condoms again.

"Bah!" Arnold said, raking his hand through his bangs again. "Where do we go now?!"

"Let's try the northeast plain," Helga suggested. They snuck that way.

"Ah-ha!" Helga said spying a fiercely guarded military compound. "It's perfect! I'll bet they have a whole stash of condoms there!"

"Helga," Arnold muttered with distaste. "That's a drug cartel. With machine guns. You can't possibly think of robbing them."

"Nonsense!" Helga said holding up a machine gun pirated from somewhere. "They're outlaws! We're outlaws! They're fair game."

"Helga, where did you get that?" Arnold asked, not even bothering to argue the point anymore.

"You don't want to know," Helga grinned wickedly. Forty-five minutes later, Helga stood by a pile of rubble in a very gory war-zone. Fires exploded all around her.

"Ah-ah!" Helga beamed. "Mission accomplished! Got the condoms, Arnold?"

"You really are crazy, you know that?" Arnold asked, holding up a small crate with hundreds of condoms inside.

"Anything for love!" Helga grinned, the firing end of her machine gun pointed up to the air. "Let's go home, Arnold! To the hidden village!" Arnold rolled his eyes.

Arnold and Helga lived happily for several years more. But then, inevitably, they ran out of condoms again. The festival drew near.

"AWWW!" Arnold said, his fingers drum-rolling against the surface of the stone throne. His face twitched with pain as he and Helga watched the participants of the very primal festival. "I just… can't stand it anymore! It's been so long!"

"Arno…..Umph!" Helga uttered out as Arnold sprung onto the girl. They tore their clothes off and made wild 'love' along with the rest of them members of their tribe. But the music of the ceremony came to a screeching halt just after Arnold had finished his fun and remained butt naked.

"Aw, crap!" he said glancing across the clearing to the tribe's visitors. "NOW my parents have to come!"

"Embarrassing!" Helga commented as their old friends and Arnold's parents stared with horror at the reigning god and goddess of the Green-Eyes. The end.


End file.
